Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
