he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
