if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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