So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
