Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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