Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
