I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
