Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
