how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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