is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
