The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize