My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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