The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
