is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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