We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
