Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
