i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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