Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
