thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
