im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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