help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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