Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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