i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So vagazzling was a success
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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