Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
