ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize