if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
