Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
