I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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