Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
