I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
