So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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