just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Your shirt... Was in my pants
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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