and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
