why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
