I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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