My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
