I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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