I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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