What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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