you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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