all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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