just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
