ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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