put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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