she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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