were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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