How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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