Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
