I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
