I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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