the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
