Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize