Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
