apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
