Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize