You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
