I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My hand turned me down
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
