Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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