Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
