I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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