Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
