God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
