Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
