Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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