I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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