u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
