I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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