I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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