Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
